I struggle with loneliness. I could be around a million people who all love and care for me, and I would still feel lonely. I’m unsure exactly why I think and feel this way, it’s something I’m still trying to figure out why.
I think one of the reasons I feel this way is because I have many friends I would call “low maintenance” friends. We don’t talk super often because they have their busy lives and I have mine…except my life isn’t that busy. I spend my days reading or writing — activities I can do while still missing my friends.
(Now, this is not me blaming my low-maintenance friends. They give me all they can. It’s not their fault I’m probably more clingy than most.)
However, as a result of this loneliness, I notice I invest a lot of time and energy in romantic relationships. A talking stage temporarily fills the void I have inside…until they break my heart. Then, not only am I lonely, but I’m also sad.
I noticed this pattern because I was talking to two of my residents’ turn friends — Emma and Emily. They’re not low-maintenance friends, I talk to them most days. They’re probably the only people I talk to almost every day besides my mother (who is at times toxic and makes me feel worse). I was talking to Emma and Emily about my romantic relationships and I explained that I just like talking to someone every day.
“Talk to us,” Emma texted back.
This made me cry. I think sometimes having low-maintenance friends makes me feel as if people just don’t want to talk to me every day. But, having someone tell me that they want me to talk to them every day just made me so emotional. They want to hear all my silly impulsive thoughts. (This isn’t to say my low-maintenance friends don’t want to hear my silly thoughts, but they just don’t have the time/energy to always respond, which I understand.)
This got me thinking about female friendship. Here I have two people, who don’t want anything from me except to talk to me. To make me feel better. How lucky I am to have these people in my life.
I’m working on investing less of my energy into romantic relationships and more of my energy into the people who already love me and want to talk to me. A talking stage is nothing compared to the female friends who love me.
Even one of my dearest friends, Nora, who lives a few states away, will drop everything if I text her that I’m in a crisis over some new girl. We don’t talk every day, but the days we do talk have helped me immensely. I’m eternally grateful for her.
I’m also eternally grateful to my friend Grace, who invited me to her Christmas celebration when she knew things were tense with my mom. I’m grateful to Amanda and her wonderful family for always welcoming me into their home and making me feel like I’m part of their family. I’m a better person because of these women in my life.
So, the moral of the story is that I love Emma and Emily. I love Nora and Grace and Amanda. I love Shavonne and Amya who I spent every day with during finals week. I love my low-maintenance friends who have helped me in my darkest hours.
The women in my life shape me and remind me that I am more than some random fling.